Are you happy with yourself just as you are?
Can you honestly say to yourself: “Hey, you’re okay – you’re enough and I love you“?
It is so incredibly easy to blame, criticise or even hate yourself at times. Being nice to yourself is not so self-evident… and we are often a LOT stricter to ourselves than we are to others!
You may also notice, for example, that you are someone who likes to take care of others. You enjoy cooking for the people around you, preparing bread for your children, giving your partner a massage, or write some handwritten cards to your friends (because they are always there for you – and you feel that you should ‘do a little more in return’).
But doing so, you completely lose focus on yourself. This is probably your big pitfall – because if you take care of everyone, and no one is taking care of YOU… how are you going to be able to CONTINUE to care for the people you love in the long run?
There will be a day when your “care-” or empathy cup is empty. You cannot keep giving limitlessly, and add nothing in return!! That is simply not possible.
Although you are undoubtedly Superwoman – Superwoman also needs to eat and drink, and sometimes needs a warm bed ? (Yes, I know her personally… good friend of mine.)
Some women just don’t like taking time for themselves. Or are scared of being alone and feel insecure when they “have to do things alone”. For example, going to the sauna alone, or just having a cup of coffee in the city (post-Corona of course).
However, these kinds of fears can cause the development of self-love and self-compassion to slow down or even completely stop. And I think I won’t have to explain WHY that isn’t helpful at all, right?
Because if you want to feel comfortable in your own skin, you will also have to spend more time with yourself to actually bring about change. Why is it so important to love yourself? Because it gives you more self-confidence, more self-esteem.
If you care more about yourself, you will be happier, and you will be less likely to compare yourself to others – because that is simply not necessary anymore! You will be less concerned with the judgments and opinions of others.
You will know what you are worth (of course also what your pitfalls and challenges are), you will know what you bring to the table in a friendship or a romantic relationship. And you will also be able to set healthy boundaries in relationships.
If you love yourself, you will feel worthy of protecting your own health and your own personal boundaries.
But then… how do you do this?!
Because it’s quite the challenge to go from self-criticism and self-hatred to self-love!
5 TIPS to Learn to Love Yourself More:
Have fun on your own – schedule a day or two for yourself in the calendar. So that you can do whatever you heck want. Allow yourself to literally do anything! This way, you learn to be alone and to enjoy your own company more (and to look the fear straight in the eye).
Take a trip – for example, you can just take the train and “see where you end up”. Go people-watching. Observe the environment. Just do some mind wandering. This can be completely outside of your comfort zone. I get that. But this way you will learn more about yourself, about your own fears and you also gain more self-confidence. You can do this!
Learn to Forgive Yourself for Mistakes – We often reflect on our mistakes, and then keep worrying: “Couldn’t I have done this better? And arrrrgh why did I do that?!” Obviously, this isn’t very constructive behaviour. Please realise that the past is REALLY 1000% behind you – you can literally change 0,0% about the situation. And yes, it’s VERY annoying indeed. But does it change a thing if you set your mind this way? Nope. Unfortunately it doesn’t. Therefore: rather than ruminating, learn to forgive yourself for mistakes you have made (in your eyes). For example, write yourself a letter that you are going to forgive yourself for this.
Surprise yourself – try doing things spontaneously. Say “yes” to things that you would normally say ‘no’ to. If you do so, you will also learn new stuff about yourself! You might find out that some things are more fun than you expected…
Start journalling – by writing down unpleasant or difficult experiences, you can find out what you can do differently next time. You might find out that certain solutions just don’t work and you will gain insights into yourself as a person. You can also get rid of negative feelings this way, by really writing them down and clear your head. This is very healing for many people.
Remember that YOU are human too – we are human beings, and humans just make mistakes.
Do you even know ANYONE on this planet who is perfect?
No, neither do I.
Try to carefully practice saying “no” at times – take a small step first, by setting your boundaries towards the people that you feel safe with. If you do that for a while, and you feel like it becomes easier for you to say ‘no’ with them, move on to other people. Practice makes perfect(ly imperfect).
With love, xo,
Jamila – Psychologist & Mindfulness-trainer.
